I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry my hands just texted you
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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