We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize