Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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