I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize