dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i think my cat just said my name.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
