i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
