I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
why is half of my head shaved?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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