I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
