How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
