I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just want to make out with him forever
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
