I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
