they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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