I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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