tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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