I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
