i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just want nice things and good sex
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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