i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
