the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
