i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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