Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize