Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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