someone get that fucking seahorse.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
