So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
