Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
