You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
