i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
