Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We just shotgunned beers for America
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
