I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
