im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
