so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
