woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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