I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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