saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize