I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
