in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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