I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
