The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
