Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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