actually, I'm a sock model
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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