Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dicks are not precious.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
