All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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