You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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