I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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