he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
