In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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