xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
