when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
false alarm. still invincible.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
