it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
