they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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