Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
