my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
