Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
