I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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