Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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