Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
