he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
