Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
