Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
