Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize