a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
