Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
