paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
