when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
