On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
