every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
